I am who I am because of who I was

Damn I'm sittin here, and I ain't got nothing to blog about...
I could tell you alittle bit about my past..the shit that's made me who I am today-insecure and about 50% self confident.

Lets see...I'm the baby in my family. My parents had me kinda late in life. Buts it's cool, they weren't as hard on me as they were my sister, but then again, I wasn't an idiot like my sister (sorry if you read this, Moose). I kept to myself for the most part. At age 13 I met this guy, who at the time was 22. Yeah, gross I know...Fuck you, listen.
He was married at the time and had his first kid on the way. Fast forward 4 years, I'm 17, he's 26. He's divorced by this time. And we "reunite". We start dating or whatever it was. My parents NEVER knew about any of it. I decieved them for about 6 years about this guy, yeah from 13 to 19 years old. I was so stupid. But I'll tell ya, I believed everything this guy told me. We "broke up" somewhere in there. He got remarried and had 2 more kids. So his score card reads: divoreced twice and 3 kids I don't take care of. (And I was "in love" with this fucktard). We reunite once again in that whole debackle. Anywho, I came home for Thanksgiving, I'm 19 by now, and well we consumate our relationship. He was my first. I thought I was soo in love. He proposed, and we had plans to get married and run off; never telling anyone. Not a soul. I was so grateful for some attention, I thought I was in love. And agreed to every part of this stupid plan. 3 weeks later, he calls me up and says, Hey, I've been sleeping with someone else. Well, aint that fucking fabulous. I wrote him off then. Only to now be addicted to sex. In the 3 years I lived in SA, I slept with so many guys that it got rediculous. I was the queen of one nigtht stands. I even got engaged again, to some low life prick who couldn't be faithful to a toothbrush, much less to me. Yeah, and that one ended too. I've been in and out of bad relationship after bad relationship that finally I threw in the preverbial towel. I moved back to the Square in December 05. I haven't looked back. I haven't had sex in 4 years. I've dated one guy since then (and ruined my self confidence, Thanks, ass holey-o). I went to nursing school and made something of myself. I am indepedant now. But GEEZ I feel more lonely now than I have in a long time. I am a beautiful girl who deserves the world. I sell my self short, time after fucking time. Like the Shy Guy At Work; he's like batting major leage ball and I'm stuck on the bench on the double A farm team. He's so far outta my league. But I've confided in one person about him. She says go for it...I say nah, rejection is fuckin brutal, especially when you have my past. She says I may be suprised. I dunno. Maybe he'd say yeah, and we'd date...or whatever. But then my fairy tale part says, hell yeah, go for it. Take a chance. Then that fucking bitch, reality, knocks me on my ass and reminds me, I'm a Double A farm team bat girl. I'll get to know him better before I jump off the deep end.
May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in relationships because we fail to see gems hidden inside-I only hope he sees life that way!

Then there's my chinese heart throb!!! He asked about me at work yesterday (on my day off). My boss sent me a text just to tell me...go figure! lol Chinese Anatheseologist will be discussed later, because he baffles my poor little existance.
Peace-

Chantix Dreams and Cigarette Nightmares

I started taking Chantix so I can quit smoking...I had my last cigarette last night. Right now all I can think about is how wonderful a nice Camel Menthol No. 9 would taste. It's smooth menthol flavor finding it's way from my lips to my lungs, and then a reverse trip out as I exhale it's wonderful Turkish and Domestic blend. DAMN what I wouldn't give for a cigarette!!!

But seriously, I'm gonna quit. Cigarettes are like $400 a pack these days...and the hospital where I work is going "Tobacco Free" in July. I work a 12 hour shift, I can't go 12 hours without a cigarette...so I just quit. They say when you quit to also quit doing things that always made you want to have a cigarette the worst...Ok so I'll quit eatting and talking on the phone. That ought to take care of my fucking urge to have a cigarette. And when I have a bad day at work, I'll just have me a nice celery stick, cuz we all know they are FUCKING full of the wonder drug that is nicotene. Or how bout chew some gum--whatever!!! Ok...seriously..I'm done...If I say cigarette one more time, I'm going to buy some...

Being on Chantix makes me have nightmares...or so they say. So far I've dreamt about getting nailed by Edward Cullen. It was great sex too...like my legs up around my head-wild pig fuckin sex is what it was! It was fantastic! Too bad it was a dream! But the other dreams I've had? One about a guy I work with who is meaner than shit; another about a guy who I work with who is sleeved out on both sides in tats, he's fucking gorgeous, with those sleepy-I-Just-Woke-up eyes, and I'm pretty sure he fell out of the I-wanna-fuck-you-tree and hit every branch on the way down. WHOOOOOOO...anyway the dream-he was asleep in my bed, and I woke up without any clothes on...you do the math! So far no "night mares". I'll keep you updated on the details! If I keep having sex dreams, there may not be enough batteries in the world!! bbbbzzzzzzz

I took a class this weekend-ACLS-Advanced Cardiac Life Support. The Shy Guy At Work was in the class. I had been told he was a quiet guy, didn't talk much, and certainly wouldn't spark any kind of conversation with anyone, except is arrogant cousin who works in OR. Well wouldn't you know, The Shy Guy At Work and I hit it off. We talked ALOT over the weekend. Some of it was about the class...but we hit topics like Golf (Thank you Dad!!!), cell phones, and buying houses. He even asked me why I live where I do. So is this kid interested? or am I wishful thinking?! Needlesstosay, he wasn't quiet around me... :) ok, so I giggled a bunch while typing that-FUCK YOU!
Oh--we both passed the class!!!

Ok...it's my day off...I need to get up and do something-
PS-is it against the rules to post more than once a day?!

Getting to Know me

This is my first time...
It doesn't hurt.

You'll get to know me, you may hate me...you may like me...you may already know me. Either way...this is me. The one and only. Feel free to comment, but remember I reserve the right to let you know mine. I don't promise to be nice.
I'll update as often as possible.
Buckle up...this could get interesting.


I'm 25 year old. I live in West Texas. I love it! I don't think I could imagine living anywhere else. I tried to leave twice. Once to a great city, I still love. But I nearly lost it all out there (that blog to come). Then to a small town to take a job at the Mental Institution. Nuff said!

Let me back up a sec...I'm a nurse. A New Nurse at that. June will be my one year anniversary. Currently, I'm working in Surigical Services, in Recovery. I pretty much like it. Somedays I want to stab my co workers, but hey who doesn't?! I've been here for going on 7 months now. Met some great people...met some worthless mother fuckers too. No offense to my readers (if I have any), why do the Mexican who work with me have to be so fucking lazy? YOUR JOB TITLE SAYS YOU HAVE TO WORK. Talk on the phone with your wife or girlfriend at home, don't waste my time at work. Yeah I can push this patient myself, but you aren't gonna sit around and breath all my oxygen. Get off your ass of fucking help me. When I need you to translate something for me, just do it. Excuse me for being white...no wait..not excuse me...you're in my country where we speak english, so fuck you. Learn the language. You might lay there in pain, maybe that'll motivate you to learn to tell me your hurting. Moaning Ey Ey Ey 4 million times doesn't tell me anything, you could be having an orgasm for all I know. Tell me your hurting-because my coworker is on the phone for the millionth time today and is too fucking stupid to come help or to translate what your saying to me. If you puke, at least I'll know your nauseated, I can fix that. My charge nurse who is knocking on 60 years old sits around and texts all day. Hello- your a little late for the 21st century. "I'm a charge nurse, I"m not obligated to take patients" Well excuse me-I'll let this one die because your a charge nurse and can't the 4th patient who just rolled through the door. Let me push my other 3 over so I can accomadate you. FUCK...get off your ass and help!!! And quit treating me like I can read your mind. I haven't mastered that art yet, and when I do, I'm not working here any more. So put your phone down, and come take some patients. In this department we take call...Don't bitch about when it's your turn to take call. You signed up for this shit...just do it. Sure it ain't fun, but hell, you could be scrapping bugs off windshields with your fingernails. It's Monday, you're on call, So don't make plans, ok. But I really do like my job, I just don't like some of the people I work with!

Notice I didn't post a picture? Good. I'm not going to either. I'll just tell you, I'm beautiful. Don't believe me, who cares. I'm not here to impress you. This is me, this is the very core of me. I'm telling you things I can't say out loud. I may even give juicey details. You can judge me all you want, God's is the ONLY judgement I care about. I am a Christian. I know Jesus is risen and alive, and on my side. He loves me unconditionally. My phyisque shouldn't mean anything to you anway, what matters is inside.

I have an interest in the guy at work (no, not the lazy mexican). For all purposes he will be known henceforth as, The Shy Guy At Work. Ok? Blog to come. The Shy Guy At Work scares me because he is totally not what I've been attracted to in the past...he's sweet!! And he is soo cute when he smiles because he nostrils flare a little!!
Well I'm at work right now, so I'm goin to close this blog, they're workin on a case right now. 11 MVA's last night, got 3 broken femurs to deal with. Glad I'm not on call!

Peace-