I am who I am because of who I was

Damn I'm sittin here, and I ain't got nothing to blog about...
I could tell you alittle bit about my past..the shit that's made me who I am today-insecure and about 50% self confident.

Lets see...I'm the baby in my family. My parents had me kinda late in life. Buts it's cool, they weren't as hard on me as they were my sister, but then again, I wasn't an idiot like my sister (sorry if you read this, Moose). I kept to myself for the most part. At age 13 I met this guy, who at the time was 22. Yeah, gross I know...Fuck you, listen.
He was married at the time and had his first kid on the way. Fast forward 4 years, I'm 17, he's 26. He's divorced by this time. And we "reunite". We start dating or whatever it was. My parents NEVER knew about any of it. I decieved them for about 6 years about this guy, yeah from 13 to 19 years old. I was so stupid. But I'll tell ya, I believed everything this guy told me. We "broke up" somewhere in there. He got remarried and had 2 more kids. So his score card reads: divoreced twice and 3 kids I don't take care of. (And I was "in love" with this fucktard). We reunite once again in that whole debackle. Anywho, I came home for Thanksgiving, I'm 19 by now, and well we consumate our relationship. He was my first. I thought I was soo in love. He proposed, and we had plans to get married and run off; never telling anyone. Not a soul. I was so grateful for some attention, I thought I was in love. And agreed to every part of this stupid plan. 3 weeks later, he calls me up and says, Hey, I've been sleeping with someone else. Well, aint that fucking fabulous. I wrote him off then. Only to now be addicted to sex. In the 3 years I lived in SA, I slept with so many guys that it got rediculous. I was the queen of one nigtht stands. I even got engaged again, to some low life prick who couldn't be faithful to a toothbrush, much less to me. Yeah, and that one ended too. I've been in and out of bad relationship after bad relationship that finally I threw in the preverbial towel. I moved back to the Square in December 05. I haven't looked back. I haven't had sex in 4 years. I've dated one guy since then (and ruined my self confidence, Thanks, ass holey-o). I went to nursing school and made something of myself. I am indepedant now. But GEEZ I feel more lonely now than I have in a long time. I am a beautiful girl who deserves the world. I sell my self short, time after fucking time. Like the Shy Guy At Work; he's like batting major leage ball and I'm stuck on the bench on the double A farm team. He's so far outta my league. But I've confided in one person about him. She says go for it...I say nah, rejection is fuckin brutal, especially when you have my past. She says I may be suprised. I dunno. Maybe he'd say yeah, and we'd date...or whatever. But then my fairy tale part says, hell yeah, go for it. Take a chance. Then that fucking bitch, reality, knocks me on my ass and reminds me, I'm a Double A farm team bat girl. I'll get to know him better before I jump off the deep end.
May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in relationships because we fail to see gems hidden inside-I only hope he sees life that way!

Then there's my chinese heart throb!!! He asked about me at work yesterday (on my day off). My boss sent me a text just to tell me...go figure! lol Chinese Anatheseologist will be discussed later, because he baffles my poor little existance.
Peace-